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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25280659">maze inside his head</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adam_pls/pseuds/Adam_pls'>Adam_pls</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dark (Netflix), Dark (TV 2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Season/Series 02 Spoilers, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:16:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,029</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25280659</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adam_pls/pseuds/Adam_pls</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanno wishes he had some time. He wants to tell Jonas that all’s gonna be fine. But he made a promise — he wouldn’t lie to the boy. Not to him. To anyone else, but not to Jonas.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jonas Kahnwald/Noah | Hanno Tauber</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>maze inside his head</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>No nsfw stuff. Just a bit of cussing, Scheisse and f-bombs here and there. </p><p>This was written before Season 3 obviously, so only a bit of Noah-related S02 spoilers + some minor inconsistencies with canon.<br/>(Bartosz fans, don't @ me pls).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Chapter 1</b>
</p><p>The first time Hanno sees Jonas is when farmers bring the boy to Agness. This Kahnwald kid looks so small, so broken, so fragile. Like a porcelain doll left in a house on fire. All else is lost yet Jonas survives, against all logic.</p><p>Maybe the prophecy is true.</p><p>Hanno feels the urge to protect this miracle, yet he’s not ready to disappoint his older self. The way the old man despises Jonas, the way he seems to hate him.</p><p>Why? How can someone so beautiful, so pure do something wrong?</p><p>Hanno wants to trust his older-self, he’s got used to it. But a shade of doubt crosses his mind.</p><p>He just sits there and stares, contemplating the prophecy, pondering the implications.</p><p>The boy groans in his sleep. The pain must be unbearable even with that dose of morphine they gave him. Hanno rushes out of the room.</p><p>"We need soothing balm!!"</p><p>"We don’t have any.."</p><p>"Then go and fetch some, you stupid cow."</p><p>He hates talking to people like that but things need to be done. He has no time for arguing.</p><p>He rushes back to Jonas. Small beads of sweat cover boy’s nose and forehead.</p><p>Shit. Kahnwald is getting worse.</p><p>Hanno doesn’t know what to do. He’s dealt with sick people before, but not the ones on their deathbed. He wishes he believed in God. He grabs boy’s hand. He whispers: Pleaaaase.</p><p>He really hates this waiting. Where is that stupid bitch, his sister? He counts to five and stomps out of the room again.</p><p>He roars so that everyone and their tiddies could hear him:</p><p>"I need that fucking balm. And hot CLEAN water!"</p><p>Those wounds need to be tended to. If no one else can, he’ll do it.</p><p>*****</p><p>Moments later Agnes peers in:</p><p>"We have water. No balm."</p><p>"Go ask <em> him </em>."</p><p>"No. I won’t. I won’t do it for you or for this…" she shoots a stare at Jonas, then catches brother’s amused gaze and cuts to "You need it, you do it".</p><p>She shuts the door on her way out.</p><p>Hanno knows he’s the one who should to do it. He must leave Jonas now. He <em> knows </em>it.</p><p>He knows very well how people freak out at the mere sight of the old man. Talking them into it is out of question. Imagine a farmer — someone dumb as a rock — trying to talk to Noah??? Hell no. Too many words to explain stuff. Also all the folks in this town fear the man. They fear that while they’ll try to talk, to cut through the forest of things they don’t really understand, Noah will have like 7846 chances to smite them with his stone-cold arrogance.</p><p>Zero probability of talking them into it, really.</p><p>And there is another thing. How should he, Hanno, explain those dumbbells that Jonas is not from this world. That all the meds Hanno has in his possession won’t do. The boy needs medicines from another <em> time </em>. Yeah, well. He might have a hope that the boy will somehow survive without his aid, but...</p><p>As much as Hanno wants to believe in God.. hope, faith or belief won’t do.</p><p>One final thing he knows is that the <b>time </b>is running out.</p><p>"You better wash him till I’m back." he throws to Agnes as he reaches for the door.</p><p>She snorts. He gives her a long look. She grimaces, but makes a move upstairs, to Jonas. How she’s gonna drag Kahnwald — who’s not that big, but surely bigger than a pre-teen girly — to the bath is not Hanno’s problem. She might as well call those blockheads who drink free beer in front of the tavern. They get it for nothing but couple of hares Hanno and Agnes receive from them on Sundays, so surely they can lend a helping hand every now and again.</p><p>It goes without saying that Hanno would very much prefer to do it alone. He would prefer to take care of Jonas himself. He doesn’t trust Agnes. He doesn’t trust anyone for that matter. But yes, the time <em> is </em>running out.</p><p>Later he will learn that the time is always running out with Jonas Kahnwald. But for now he must concentrate on getting scolded by his older-self. Man never gives him a break. Hanno wonders if older Jonas is like that with his younger counterpart. Or are they real close? No. Hanno doesn’t think so. If Stranger was good to Jonas he would never let it happen. He would never let the boy go to those blasted lands of 2052 in the first place.</p><p>Stranger treats Jonas as if he doesn’t want to know the boy at all. Hanno’s been told that Jonas can’t be killed because of the prophecy and yet. Did those savages from the future know Jonas was to become the saviour? Of course not. What if something went wrong? What if Jonas really got killed.</p><p>What if he’s taking his final breath right now??</p><p>A rush of panic paralyzes Hanno as he enters the church. He tries to get rid of the thoughts that are swarming in his head as he walks down the aisles, to the altar where his older-self, Noah, stands, stone-cold as ever.</p><p>The old man doesn’t turn around. Sure. He knows exactly well who and why has come.</p><p>"Funny thing time. You think it’s running out, that it slips through your fingers, while in fact you’ve got plenty of it, all things considered, especially in this situation."</p><p>“Whenever I’ve become <em> this </em> chatty??” — Hanno ponders.</p><p>"I know how you’re feeling, because I felt exactly like that, I stood where you’re standing right now, I was asking for what you’re going to ask. Should I give you a warning, too?"</p><p>Hanno is ready for another piece of monologue. Old man really gets on his nerves.</p><p>"Of course not. You won’t listen anyway. Well then. Take what you need and go. It works wonders, really, but only if the patient won’t move for at least a couple of days."</p><p>Noah finally looks at Hanno, grinning. Hanno gets what the old man hints at. That the first thing Jonas will do as soon as he awakes… Hanno doesn’t want to think about it. Not now. Not here. Not when Noah peers right into his soul as if trying to incinerate him. Hanno grabs the tube from the altar and turns to leave.</p><p>"You shouldn’t get attached." whispers Noah, more to himself. But Hanno hears it.</p><p>Fuck you, he thinks. He takes a step out of the church and sprints to the tavern. The time is running out. Not for Jonas. Not for the world. Fuck it, really, the world and all that. It <em> is </em> running out for him. For Hanno.</p><p>Jonas feels the cold on his knee. He wants to shake it off, but can’t — can’t even open his eyes. The knee burns, but the cold doesn’t help. It make it worse. And then the pain… He groans and finally finds a strength to fight it back — all while in deep slumber.</p><p>***</p><p>Hanno doesn’t expect the slap across his face — and not with a palm, but with something that reminds of cat’s claws. Out of unexpectancy, he lands onto his ass. Noah told him that people rarely value good deeds. But this here?? This is on a completely new level.</p><p>"Fuck." — he whispers. He wipes blood from his face. He looks up at Jonas, irritated, but not mad. Not really. What did he expect pressing balm into an almost open wound? Stupid. He now feels unease and something that is very close to shame.</p><p>It’s already enough what the boy has been through — he’s suffering, his skin is so hot as if he’s burning from the inside. The morphine probably wears out.</p><p>Hanno doesn’t want to make it worse for Kahnwald. He gets up and proceeds to bandaging the knee — as gently as he can. Now, on with the neck.</p><p>***</p><p>Jonas falls through one nightmare into another. In this one, they are hanging him again. In the next one — he finds his dead father in the basement. In the final dream — he almost visualizes the cold grip of death on his neck. “No,” — he murmurs.</p><p>***</p><p>Hanno watches Jonas’ closed eyes move. The eyelashes tremble. The mouth twitch. The fingers grab the blanket. Hanno almost expects another cat’s punch in the face. Shit. He wants to end it all as soon as possible. And then to run as far as he can.</p><p>But Hanno can’t stop and can’t run away. He needs to finish the job. It is almost finished, really. Just need to apply one more bandage.</p><p>***</p><p>The cold grips of death have finally left Jonas alone. He is released from this nightmare. And then suddenly he feels a gentle breath of wind on his face.</p><p>***</p><p>"Shit", — thinks Hanno. — "Too close".</p><p>The boy smells of lavender. Stupid Agnes. Whatever she bathed Kahnwald in a scented water for.</p><p>He pulls back — just in time to notice a weak smile on Jonas’ face.</p><p>Hanno’s cheeks go red, and not from the marks this little cat has left.</p><p>The smile disappears from Jonas’ lips almost instantly, but Hanno remembers it. He will remember and cherish it for years and years.</p><p>Later he will learn that Jonas almost never smiles after what happened to him in 2052. Not so openly. And surely not at Noah.</p><p>Now he’s done with the bandage. It looks neat. He hopes Jonas won’t touch it at least for a day. He studies the boy some more. He gently touches his hair — it is so soft. And then Jonas grumbles in his sleep — like a cat, really. Hanno involuntarily smiles and steps back.</p><p>He looks out of the window: it is still early in the morning and it’s gonna be a fine day. He notices blood under his nails. Need to remove it. He takes a knife out of the pocket and sits down in a chair. He gets absorbed in getting his nails tidy again and almost doesn’t notice slight movements.</p><p>He realizes what’s happening when he hears Jonas gasping for air. With a slight rush of panic, he watches Jonas finally get up.</p><p>"You slept for almost 24 hours", — he says.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Chapter 2</b>
</p><p>Hanno wakes up from a short nap. Short really? Why the fuck the sun is almost down then? Fuck. He’s so stupid.</p><p>He rushes to check on Jonas — of course, he’s not there. Hanno stomps down to common room.</p><p>"Where’s he?" he yells at Agnes.</p><p>"Hell knows. Left??"</p><p>He’s in the caverns. Should be. Where else would he go? Hanno swears again: Fuck.</p><p>Is Kahnwald really that crazy?</p><p>He rushes out.</p><p>First, the wormhole is literally not there. Second, with all those wounds the damn boy’s gonna get even worse — crawling on his knees down that fucking tunnel. Hanno wishes he could have killed Bartosz again for not making tunnel wider. Like <em> walkable </em>. And third, Jonas should be laying in bed. Not running around trying to save everyone. With all that fever he might drop dead at any second.</p><p>"Fuck, fuck, fuck" spits out Hanno as he runs to the caves. Fresh traces all over the entrance. Surely he’s here. Just as expected.</p><p>Hanno imagines how incredibly dissatisfied Noah would get if anything happens to the Savior. The old man says the boy is a puppet, just as everyone else.</p><p>Like hell he is.</p><p>Noah can believe or <em>believe to believe</em> anything his heart desire.</p><p>Hanno saw that determination in Jonas’ eyes. He might be stubborn, stupid in his attempts to save the world.</p><p>Like really? Who fights something that’s bigger than he is? That’s bigger than life itself?</p><p>But no, Jonas Kahnwald is no puppet.</p><p>Hanno takes a breath. He chooses what to do next. He can go inside. But he’s already stalkerish enough and doesn’t want to freak the boy out even more. Instead, he decides to stay outside. He’s gonna sit and wait.</p><p>****</p><p>The desperation Jonas feels when he sees the dead end is overwhelming. It was predictable, really. Almost same shit happened in 2052.</p><p>What is he supposed to do now? Just hang out in this shit hole of a place for another 33 years and wait till someone helps him out? Like he’s a damsel in distress? The fever slowly takes hold of him. He feels that another two seconds and he’ll vomit. The pain in his leg is almost unbearable.</p><p>He has no wish to stay in this place at all, not with that stalker observing him in his sleep. The creep didn’t even give his name. Jonas couldn’t care less, but he needs someone to get him out of this shit. He makes way back to cave’s entrance.</p><p>Of course, the creep sits there. Jonas pretends to ignore him, but with little to no luck.</p><p>"It’s not yet open," — the creep says. As if Jonas didn’t just see it with his own eyes. He wonders if there are more stalkers in this forest. It feels like everyone’s watching him. Like he’s some kind of exotic animal. “God, you’re creepy” — he thinks.</p><p>"They are waiting for you."</p><p>“Yeah, that’s what I thought. More stalkers and creeps. Exactly what I needed”. He doesn’t say this out loud. Instead, he asks who’s they.</p><p>The creep steps closer. Too close to Jonas liking. Maybe it’s fever, but he can clearly smell that apple the man was eating just seconds ago. Jonas has always hated apples, could easily vomit only because of the mere idea of thinking about them. Now that the creep is so close he tries his best not to throw up. The fucking smell.</p><p>"The travelers." — the creep waits for a feedback, but Jonas isn’t planning to give any. He waits for the man to turn around and start walking. Then he finally feels relieved. He takes a breath, tries to remember Martha, tries to remember home.</p><p>But all he can see in his mind is creep’s face. Those fucking cold blue eyes. “What the hell” Jonas thinks. He follows the creep to wherever he takes him.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Chapter 3</b>
</p><p>Hanno takes Jonas to the most unexpected place. Not for Hanno. For Jonas. He takes him to the church. To the one Hanno built for Sic Mundus. He feels very proud of it and gets slightly irritated when notices puzzled, almost disgusted look at Jonas’ face.</p><p>“Not a fan of churches, you little imp, huh”.</p><p>They step inside. The place still looks like crap, Hanno admits to it. And the boy comes from the future. No wonder he’s not all that impressed with Hanno’s architectural skills. Hanno wants to boast of it, but understands that will probably get even more puzzlement, annoyance and irritation in return. Jonas has seen and already forgotten more than Hanno could have ever imagined.</p><p>Also what’s the point in small talks, when he knows what’s about to happen. Jonas’ gonna face Noah first, Adam second. Yes. He’s gonna face the man who abducted him. No point in calming him down now when he’s about to freak out even more in the next moment anyway.</p><p>Hanno wishes he had some time. He wants to tell Jonas that all’s gonna be fine. But he made a promise — he wouldn’t lie to the boy. Not to him. To anyone else, but not to Jonas.</p><p>When the boy reaches the altar and then turns to him, Hanno’s heart skips a beat. He almost wishes he grabbed the boy by the hand so that they could run away from this place. From his <em> beloved </em>church.</p><p>"Why did you bring me here?" asks Jonas. Why, why, why. I would bring you to any other place on planet Earth right now if I could, but I can’t. Old man knows everything I’m gonna do, all of my thoughts. I’ve brought you like a lamb to the slaughter and for this I will despise myself eternally. — "You are one of them. A Traveler."</p><p>Hanno almost screams: HELL NO. I’M NOT ONE OF THEM. I’M NOT LIKE THEM. Instead he puts it simple:</p><p>"Not yet. But soon I will be."</p><p>And here comes the old man. Hanno’s heart drops. The time is over.</p><p>He suspects that what he feels right now is very similar to the feeling people have when they introduce their crushes to parents. The only difference is that there are no parents. There is his older self. There is Noah, who knows exactly what he feels right now.</p><p>Does he, Hanno, feel guilt or remorse? Not at all. Fuck it. The old man felt the same. The only feeling he has is sort of pity for Noah.</p><p>He looks up at Jonas and instantly admires the boy. Kahnwald doesn’t seem intimidated at all. Even if he is, he doesn’t show it. Anger, supposes Hanno, is what the boy feels right now. Anger and determination. Two forces that shall forever move him.</p><p>What warms Hanno’s heart is that the boy is still in those clothes. His, Hanno’s clothes. He concentrates on this thought. He doesn’t want to look at the ugly scene that is about to unveil. He knows it not because he’s participated in it, but because he knows his older self. Noah is a big fan of drama and ugly scenes.</p><p>So he just stands there and observes Jonas in those oversized pants. Too big for that small body of his, but what could you do. It’s the best pair of pants Hanno’s had.</p><p>"It must feel strange to see me here" the old man says.</p><p>"Hell, it’s strange to see you even <em> for me </em>, and Ich bin Du, literally," thinks Hanno. He's a bit relieved to see that Jonas is visually unamused.</p><p>Noah looks up at Hanno. Is that disappointment or disgust or annoyance in his stare? Fuck you, Hanno thinks. You’ve been in my place and has no right to judge me.</p><p>"You already made my acquaintance."</p><p>Noah shifts his gaze back to Jonas. His eyes momentarily become stone-cold. Still hoping to intimidate Kahnwald. The boy turns back to Hanno. Hanno wishes he could smile at Jonas, to give him some sort of reassurance, to show that he’s on his side, really. He stops at the very last second. No, he doesn’t have the right to smile. “The boy’s just gonna think I’m laughing at him. What a terrible way to be remembered.”</p><p>Jonas, seemingly anxious, but still not frightened enough, looks back at Noah. The old man closes in on Kahnwald.</p><p>"TF old man? Did you really need to do it? Or are you not that good at controlling yourself after all?" Hanno feels a second-hand embarrassment. He really wishes it to end. The entire scene looks like meet with the parents, but way-way worse.</p><p>Luckily for him, Noah finally makes a move towards the exit. Hanno takes a deep breath.</p><p>This agony is about to end.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Chapter 4</b>
</p><p>Next time Hanno sees Jonas, it’s not because he wants to see him, but because he has to. Not that he hasn’t spend the last week thinking about Kahnwald over and over and over again. He has memorized each and every small detail of their interactions or the lack thereof. He remembers every single minute he spent in that bedroom, taking care of Jonas, tending to his wounds. The way the boy smiled when Hanno touched his hair.</p><p>He knows that smile wasn’t meant for him but he doesn’t care.</p><p>And now, almost a week later Hanno gets this “task”. They won’t allow him to see more of younger Jonas. It’s very obvious. Everyone knows why. At least, Noah knows why. Hanno is sure it’s old man’s idea to send him back to 2020. Not to 2019, not to some more pleasant era, when Jonas was still young and happy, but to a completely different place. To a completely different person.</p><p>It’s not his Jonas. It’s not his time. It’s not even his place.</p><p>He doesn’t want to see what’s become of the boy. He’s not ready. He needs reassurance.</p><p>"You think I’m ready?" he asks Noah. But the old man doesn’t even answer. Just gives him the usual <em> don’t test my patience </em> look.</p><p>Hanno expects to at least receive some weapon. Instead, he gets a piece of paper. A letter.</p><p>"What’s this? Who’s Martha??"</p><p>"Love of his life, apparently." Noah shrugs. Hanno looks at him in disbelief. A love of Jonas’ life?? Noah raises a brow, then turns away. Hanno can’t shake it off. "You mean like..?"</p><p>"Like the only one he really cares for." Noah’s voice is cold as a night in February. Hanno just stands there, dumbfounded. "We’ve tried to get rid of anyone who stood in the way, but..."</p><p>Hanno thinks the old man talks about Jonas and this chick, Martha. Years later he will realize, Noah’s been talking about someone else.</p><p>"You tried and failed?"</p><p>"Failure is just a matter of perspective. Like almost anything else in this world, really. You think it’s a failure, but maybe, just maybe, it’s a hand of god and exactly what you’ve needed."</p><p>"You don’t believe in god."</p><p>"No, I don’t. But they think I do. Please, I’m begging you, don’t spoil the fun. Let them think what they want to think."</p><p>He’s begging now, isn't he? Why? What’s the point of making everyone around you believe you’re a puppet of god? What’s the point of making everyone believe you adhere to the prophecy. You’re like the only real Adam’s adept here, man.</p><p>"You don’t believe in prophecy then?"</p><p>Noah looks back at Hanno, a shadow of a smile on his lips.</p><p>"No matter what you believe in, you need to make them trust you. And the only way to make other people trust you and force them to believe in what you’re preaching is by starting to believe in it yourself. You don’t want to believe in the boy? Fine. It is possible that you will hate the mere thought of believing in.. older Jonas even more. But he <em> needs to believe </em> that you believe. You understand?"</p><p>Hanno understands it perfectly fine. He also starts to understand why Noah hates Jonas, now that he knows of this <em> other </em>love of Jonas’ life. Noah hates not Jonas himself, really, but the otherworldly idea of illusive Jonas, someone unreachable, someone he can’t properly love, from another time and space.</p><p>It’s easier to hate what you can’t get. It’s easier to hate than to speak your emotions.</p><p>"You think he’ll buy it?" Hanno shakes the envelope.</p><p>Noah smiles. He doesn’t think. He knows.</p><p>Noah explained where Kahnwalds’ house is in 2019, but Hanno already knew it. That freak Bartosz told him. Hanno suspects being too chatty was one of the reasons Adam decided to get rid of him in the first place. If there wasn’t any other reason, Hanno would’ve finished off Bartosz for being too chatty himself. He hates chatterboxes.</p><p>Good thing is Bartosz told all he knew and then some more about Jonas. Hanno never asked, but a mere “huh?” or “m-hmmm” was enough for Bartosz to keep talking. He told everything about Jonas’ favorite food, pastime, kind of girls he liked, kind of people he hated.</p><p>He never mentioned Jonas’ crushes though, and at that time it seemed weird to Hanno, considering all the details. Later he learnt Bartosz stole a girl from Jonas, that Martha chick.</p><p>Of course, Bartosz told Hanno where Jonas lived in 2019. He told everything about his family, too. But apparently, Noah didn’t trust Bartosz enough (or maybe he didn’t trust him at all). Because he explained it all over to Hanno, in his own words.</p><p>So now, in 2019, Tauber knows exactly where to go. He knows what he’s about to see: Jonas parents are supposedly not rich, they own old shack they inherited from Mikkel’s adoptive mother. But when he actually sees the place, his heart sinks. He’s always thought his church looked like Scheisse, but if there was a shithole competition, Kahnwald manor would've taken the first prize.</p><p>He wishes Jonas lived in a better place. And judging by what he’s heard about Hannah, he wishes he lived with better people.</p><p>Then again, if Jonas lived in a better place with better people, maybe he would have never been born at all. This is something Hanno doesn’t want to even regard.</p><p>He doesn’t want to think about the encounter that lies ahead. He knows he’s about to betray Jonas, to lie to him. But in a way, he also feels betrayed. All this time, all 33 years, Kahnwald’s been thinking about a girl? He’s been wanting to save a girl? Not the world, not his family, not his father. He wanted to save a girl???? So much for the Savior.</p><p>Hanno is still angry when he approaches Kahnwald’s house. He isn’t ready to meet Jonas and suspects he will never be. Yet he isn’t all that surprised the front door isn’t closed. Still, he’s totally not ready to meet Jonas. <em> This </em>Jonas.</p><p>He’s got used to seeing his older self — a respectable man in his early 50s. Jonas, on the other hand, looks nothing like a respectable old man. He looks like a hobo, and yet somehow, it’s still <em> his </em>Jonas. He recognizes the stare, the expression. Kahnwald looks like a deer caught in headlights, off guard, taken by surprise.</p><p>But pointing a silly gun at him? That’s something new. Hanno is quite sure Jonas won’t shoot, no, never. His Jonas wouldn’t and couldn’t.</p><p>"Noah??"</p><p><em> This </em>Jonas knows his real name — Hanno Tauber — but still prefers to call him that. For Kahnwald, he’s already Noah. A puppet of god. A puppet of Savior. Hanno decides to play along. After what he learnt about Martha, he couldn’t care less. Yes, he’s still fucking angry and must contain it. In lieu of making a fuss, He decides to state the obvious:</p><p>"You look different now."</p><p>What he means is that Jonas looks like trash, like his mother. From what Hanno’s learnt, she’s a trashy whore, and this Jonas looks exactly like her son. He can’t hide the disappointment and disgust. “That’s what these stupid attempts to save a girl did to you” — he thinks.</p><p>Jonas asks if Adam sent Hanno, and this, too, hurts and stings Tauber’s heart. Kahnwald prefers to think Noah is Adam’s puppet. He’s never ever thought otherwise, apparently. Hanno almost laughs at it, but hell it hurts. So he chooses to hurt Jonas back:</p><p>"I’ve always wondered when you turn into him."</p><p>He suspects this Jonas still hates Adam. He’s still not that psychopath. And the truth is Hanno still cares for him, but he isn’t planning to swallow the insult. Not from <em> this </em> Jonas. Not from <em> Martha’s </em>Jonas.</p><p>Kahnwald replies: "I won’t."</p><p>Again it takes a lot, all of Hanno’s strength, not to laugh at him. Instead, he lies:</p><p>"He said you’d say that kind of thing."</p><p>Truth is he never spoke to Adam. But he didn’t need to, because everything Jonas says is too predictable. He almost feels pity for Kahnwald, though the man is still pointing a gun at him. He knows Jonas won’t shoot. Because it’s true, it’s still <em> that </em>Jonas, even though he's old, jaded, battered.</p><p>"He also said we’d be friends," — he lies again. And the truth is it’s what Hanno always wanted. He wished they’d be friends or even more, because he felt so much for Jonas: amdiration, adoration, infatuation even. But now there’s this Martha and all he feels is pain and frustration. And that’s why he continues: "Before I’m betrayed."</p><p>Even though he lies, he achieves the goal. Jonas is perplexed and dumbfounded. Hanno almost regrets it, but then he remembers Martha and feels angry again. Oh for fucks sake. Fuck it all. He just wants to get it over with it already...</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Chapter 5</b>
</p><p><br/>
Last time Noah sees Jonas it’s not even Jonas anymore. It’s all Adam now, and Noah knows nothing’s left of that fragile little boy he met ages ago. Bit by bit he lost it all.</p><p>Noah regrets now he didn’t finish it before it all started. He had his chance. He could have told his younger self what to do. But would he actually do it? He still remembers that feeling he had when he first laid eyes on Jonas. He knows it would have been close to impossible to kill that boy for him. Close to impossible but not impossible.</p><p>And then the next moment he realizes that he’s wrong again.</p><p>He realizes he can’t kill him. Not now. Not then. What’s written in the book can’t be unwritten. Adam is not immortal, no. But his history is written and he, Adam, has seen it all.</p><p>Then the realization comes. He could have changed it. But not by killing. The surprise helps him realize it. And what surprises Noah is not his sister turning on him. She’s always been that bitch. It’s not the fact that rats like Magnus and his little slut Franziska didn’t warn him. Why would they? They’ve always been loyal to Jonas after he saved them. For them he <em> is </em>the Savior.</p><p>The thing that surprises him and hurts more than a bullet itself is that Jonas has decided to finally get rid of him. It’s not Jonas, Noah — Hanno — reminds himself. It’s all Adam now. It’s all this rotten, destroyed by pain, sorrow, hatred, guilt and self-loathing creature. The embodiment of self destruction.</p><p>Self-destruction no one ever cared to stop.</p><p>It is this thing that Hanno wishes to change now. He wishes to go back in time, to smile at that boy he once loved so much. He wishes to go back and show how much he cared. He wishes he protected him, to tell him that he, Jonas, shouldn’t have trusted a word Adam said. Maybe that would have helped. Maybe that would have prevented all these terrible things from happening.</p><p>Hanno knows what to do now. It’s so simple, really. And he wishes he had a bit more time. But he doesn't have any of it anymore...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you have any comments or thoughts, pls leave them here.<br/>I'm still not over this Scheisse &amp; don't think will ever be (not in the next 33 years).</p></blockquote></div></div>
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